Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Last night was a good night. I'm still restless, but I remind myself, he smiled. I saw it. It's good right now. I really want to go into what happened but sometimes it's just better to remember the end result. He let me cut his hair. He gave me a kiss goodnight. he attempted to converse with his brother and sister.

 Lots of people, whether they are professionals or not, seem to think Dyspraxia is within Autism standards. I think Dyspraxia is more like a sister or cousin to Autism. Yes, there are characteristics that are exactly the same, Neurologically, not so much. Before OCD, Zachary was a loving, hugging soul. Hardly ever a bad word to say about anyone. Even when he did it came across as non threatening and unsure. Life experiences hardened him over time, like it would anyone. But OCD and Bi-polar stole that part of him from me. I can't touch my son anymore. I can't fix his shirt, touch his glasses, run my fingers through his hair. But last night he literally reached out and touched his sister and brother. I saw it. I memorized it. He use to give back-rubs for about ten seconds to show his affection. That's what I saw. Both my daughter and son started to reject it but tried to be polite in doing so. What I saw was them rejecting his affection. But the fact he reached out trumped their reaction, and I had some contentment and happiness.

Zachary will be finishing this semester of school soon. I keep asking him how's it going? He reassures me he's doing well. He's also told me he's going back to three classes next semester. I ask to see his grades. I want to see with my own eyes. Make sure it's true.

His plan is to get a degree in Media. He does well with computers. We've talked about stopping at an associates degree if it becomes to much. He says he'll decide along the way. His memory has gotten better over the years. He still struggles with spelling, but has learned to not let it hold him back. He's not embarrassed nearly as much anymore.

I'm trying to hold it together, one day at a time.

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