Last night was a good night. I'm still restless, but I remind myself, he smiled. I saw it. It's good right now. I really want to go into what happened but sometimes it's just better to remember the end result. He let me cut his hair. He gave me a kiss goodnight. he attempted to converse with his brother and sister.

 Lots of people, whether they are professionals or not, seem to think Dyspraxia is within Autism standards. I think Dyspraxia is more like a sister or cousin to Autism. Yes, there are characteristics that are exactly the same, Neurologically, not so much. Before OCD, Zachary was a loving, hugging soul. Hardly ever a bad word to say about anyone. Even when he did it came across as non threatening and unsure. Life experiences hardened him over time, like it would anyone. But OCD and Bi-polar stole that part of him from me. I can't touch my son anymore. I can't fix his shirt, touch his glasses, run my fingers through his hair. But last night he literally reached out and touched his sister and brother. I saw it. I memorized it. He use to give back-rubs for about ten seconds to show his affection. That's what I saw. Both my daughter and son started to reject it but tried to be polite in doing so. What I saw was them rejecting his affection. But the fact he reached out trumped their reaction, and I had some contentment and happiness.

Zachary will be finishing this semester of school soon. I keep asking him how's it going? He reassures me he's doing well. He's also told me he's going back to three classes next semester. I ask to see his grades. I want to see with my own eyes. Make sure it's true.

His plan is to get a degree in Media. He does well with computers. We've talked about stopping at an associates degree if it becomes to much. He says he'll decide along the way. His memory has gotten better over the years. He still struggles with spelling, but has learned to not let it hold him back. He's not embarrassed nearly as much anymore.

I'm trying to hold it together, one day at a time.

It's been a surreal morning. I woke up abruptly at 4am. in the hallway I could hear Zach showering. I felt relief, which quickly faded. I had given him his first pill last night to help him sleep at night. That obviously didn't work....or, he didn't take it. 

Zach's Dyspraxia has taken a back seat to his newly diagnosed OCD and Bi-polar 2. I talked with him this morning while I sat on the floor right outside his room. He actually held a conversation with me. I'm not sure if it was the tears running down my face or his confession he was giving up. On What? I asked, scared of the answer. He was jumbled in his response but I think he meant feeding into his OCD.

There and Back Again!

So to say the least, it's been awhile since I posted! I never fully gave up or have forgotten about this blog. I'm not one for dragging things out, so here it is. I home schooled my son through high school. I did it, not short of a miracle. There is a reason I didn't follow through with my updates about Zachary. I became very sick. So sick I needed three sinus surgeries and an angiogram. That's something I can come back to.

What I do want to jump to is this; my son's Dyspraxia has taken a backseat to something else. I just don't know which one to explain first. Since I've been in recovery I've noticed some odd behavior in his every day routine. It started his senior year, at home. Our family thought he was being thorough because of his Dyspraxia, but it turns out it had crossed over into full blown OCD.  OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER. Now, I'm skipping over many things, but like I said, I like to get to the point. I was so happy he graduated high school, achieving  a milestone I only dreamed of, to be set back by THIS  disorder growing right under my nose. I had been distracted by my illness. I felt betrayed by my optimism. As it grew, we desperately searched for help. Hidden by the fact that Zachary is attending college, holding a job too. Suddenly, the road I thought we had completed, started all over again.

I've neglected this blog unintentionally. I've been fighting sinus problems for the last year, and it takes every ounce of push to teach Zach his schoolwork. There is a lot I have missed saying, and believe me, I feel like a huge opportunity passed me by. I'm going to try to pick up just from today and possibly reflect on some past issues. Again, my problems are still around, so bear with me while I deal with both Health and school.

Since March, Zach has been learning how to drive. I was so nervous when he started, not knowing what to expect. He turned sixteen back in May and we waited, on purpose, to take him for his permit. Zach is very particular on how he does things. He hates to miss a step in any process, so making sure he checks his mirrors, seat, steering wheel, etc...is daunting and over tedious. He is confident one time and overwhelmed the next. Let me say, he has been driving since the beginning of march and took driving school in May....and passed. Yet, when I asked him to turn the car around out in front of our home the other morning, he couldn't. he panicked, and came back in the house freaking out and yelling at me to get in the truck with him to help him. I reminded him that he's been doing this a while now and he also needs to remain calm now, so if something horrible should happen on the road he would know what to do. He still forgets, spontaneously, which way to turn the steering wheel, how to work the controls on the dash, when he can turn on red or not, when to start braking, and most dangerously, who has the right of way.

Zach drives himself to school and then I take over from there. I try to get him to drive more at other times, and he does, but after a short time, he becomes exhausted and I have to take the wheel. I do believe his fear is what is shaking him up.

 Like I said, he doesn't like change, so finding him a car is hard work! He wants my truck and nothing else. He hates to step outside his routine (comfort zone) and since he's learning to drive my truck, that's all he wants. I'v reasurred him he will love having his own vehicle, but he is weary about it.

Test

Begin again...

O.K., I know it's been awhile. I tried to enjoy my summer, playing and hanging out with my kids, and I did! My summer was jam packed with activities and wonderful memories. I lacked motivation though to work on Zach's school work, leftover papers and wrapping up records for his freshman year. But, alas, I made it through at the last minute. He finished good. But I still have yet to teach him to WRITE a paper. Essay, yes. That he can do. I feel I have fallen behind myself and have let him down for not achieving this yet. My intentions were there, I get just as burned out as he does, and we both need some break. Zach finished summer P.E. and worked on Algebra review and language arts review Monday-Thursday. Today was an eye opener. I'm on the brink of loosing it and have been knocked back what feels like to the day he was diagnosed with Dyspraxia. This horrible disability that in one afternoon can take what seems like everything away. I'm angry, scared, frustrated, and walking into a black hole. Zach has tried to be sneaky and it just came to light today. We started his "spelling" class since school starts this Wednesday. Boy was I grounded and fast. Again, did I do enough up until this point? Did I slack this summer? I need to suck all these feelings in and move forward, be positive and never take my eye off of him. follow through everything if I'm going to achieve my goal of a self sustainable young man. This is another begin again, and I'll make it through, I always do.

Math

I have to vent about math. Zach's doing good, that's not the problem. He just HATES it! He starts to get very upset and frustrated as soon as we sit down to work. His short term memory difficulties pop up like every third day and I have to remind him...negative and a negative is a positive. positive and a negative is a negative. Which direction to go on a number line if your adding two negative numbers. He frequently slips up his multiplication and addition. He knows the difference of course but what he sees and what his brain processes are two different things. -5 divided by 25 can be so upsetting. But then...I say it out loud, Zach that's easy..-5 divided by 25 and he throws his arms up and gets upset with himself! It's ok...move on, I say. We celebrated Mother's Day today by working on two hours of Polynomial work. I had to stand by to remind him here or there about these small things, yet writing out the work on a long division polynomial comes very easy to him. That's how I know he's learning. I don't let the little things bother me. I just want him to know that.